I don’t know why it happens, or even how, but suddenly life’s milestones suddenly seemed to be so overwhelming to me that I just didn’t want to do anything.
I guess I have been feeling a bit sorry for myself – not something I usually indulge in….and if I’m totally honest I’m feeling a bit unneeded.
I have already blogged about Elise going away to Uni next year and my fears and worries. Those concerns haven’t changed but I am learning to deal with them….and I am slowly accepting that my role as Elise’s Mum will always be there – but it will change as she grows and matures and experiences life.
Ashley has put on a new apprentice who is absolutely awesome and the two of them get along so well. This too has meant a change for me. No longer am I Ashley’s sidekick. Lucas has taken over my role and with my blessing I might add and it has meant I have now time to do all the things I didn’t get time to do before – sew, knit, crochet, garden, spin wool, cook, read a book. I did them before but they seemed to be squeezed in when there was time. Now there is all the time in the world – but I don’t know what to do with it.
Nicola and James are both growing up so fast too and are becoming more and more independant – which is a good thing – but again my role with them is changing.
I started to feel so overwhelmed with the changes that have been happening. Then a breakthrough happened.
Yesterday Elise, Nicola and I went to Bendigo. Elise had exam lectures to attend and Nicola and I went for company and the shopping. I have always been nervous of Elise driving in Bendigo. All that traffic, traffic lights (we have one set of pedestrian lights in Swan Hill and one set of traffic lights), people, cars, the works. Yesterday I didn’t worry. Elise was determined she was going to drive down and back and in Bendigo so she did and did brilliantly I might add. I sat in the back seat and crocheted.
Nicola and I shopped and chatted and just enjoyed ourselves.
The breakthrough came last night as we were travelling home. My girls were in the front laughing and chatting and generally enjoying each others company and the block of chocolate they had bought to make the trip home so much sweeter. I sat in the back and relaxed and crocheted. And then I realised.
Life, like my crochet, has to be taken just one step at a time.
I can’t rush it.
I can’t turn back time.
I have to accept that whatever happens with my children that Ashley and I have done the very best we could and that the children know we will always be there for them, but I have to let them leave the nest and fly. They have to make their own way in life. Try things for themselves. Experience life and all it has to offer.
Having said that I need to do that too. Yes I’m Mum and I always will be. Yes I am Ashley’s wife, and God willing, I will be that for a very long time too. But I’m also a woman. One who is at a cross roads in her life and now has the time to make some changes. No I’m not going to suddenly grow six foot tall and be stick thin, or dye my hair brilliant purple or have a huge tattoo on my butt, but I am going to appreciate who I am and what I have done with my life so far.
I have no regrets. There isn’t anything I would change – unless you count loose a bit of weight but even that I can take or leave.
I am going to enjoy my craft instead of feeling like I have to have it all done yesterday. I have started sewing clothes again and am really enjoying myself. I’m even starting to feel the need to work on some quilts – something that has not happened for a very, very long time. My garden is getting more attention than it has seen in quite some time and I’m loving my home and enjoying cleaning it. I will even admit to feeling quite excited about the amount of furniture in this house that will suddenly find itself in Elise’s flat which will give me more decorating opportunities here.
So there you have it. That’s me warts and all.
Like my chickens I’m content to wander along with the crowd with just an occasional foray into new territory. Heaven knows I might even lead the way occasionally.